In 2020, I Need To Stop Being Too Nice

Hello Beautiful People!

I hope y'all are well!

So recently, I was doing some self-reflecting and I realized that the only people I can truly tell my opinions/feelings about anything without walking on eggshells are my fiancé and my closest best friends. This is not necessary a bad thing because well I'm marrying my fiancé so I should know how to be heard by him and I should be able to tell my closest best friends anything and defend myself. But what about the other people in my life? Now when I said, I realized the only people I can talk without a protective filter on and put boundaries are my fiancé and my closest best friends, I don't mean that, I let everyone else walk all over me (remember I'm a strong ass bit*h), what I meant is that I believe that I'm too nice. There's nothing wrong with being a nice person, like hello the world needs more nice people but what I mean is that I feel like I feel "bad" for people too often and I give them the benefit of the doubt and hence that's why I don't confront them. In all honesty, I'm bad with confrontation due to childhood trauma and I'm way too sensitive (I'm not apologizing for who I am, I'm just stating facts about myself lol) but if you make me angry oh honey hold on, because I'll tell you how it is. Also, if I have a problem with you, I'll be upfront about it.

In the moments of self-reflecting, I kept on asking myself why can I notice some toxic people and remove them immediately out of my life while other times I can't. I believe that it's because I care too much sometimes about a person, that I get blinded by how that person isn't giving me, what I'm giving them and in the end it becomes a toxic relationship for me but not necessary for the other person. I remember when I was young, and worried about making friends and all I wanted was a nice person to come along, accept all of me and become my friend. I think that's what I'm doing now is kind of paying it forward, I don't mind being friends with "less popular people" because I was there once upon a time too. I just want to help everyone, its just in my DNA. But helping everyone gets tiring when they are not giving you the same type of support back. I thought that I could do it, I thought I was mentally capable and physically healthy to "handle" other people's issues/worries and I am but I wasn't putting boundaries up. I was allowing people to contact me at all hours of the day and every time they contacted me I felt obligated to reply, because if I didn't the guilt would start to stink in about me not being a good person. I think I've experienced burnout, like the saying goes, "a dog gets tired". I now understand that my romantic relationship was being affected by paying attention to my phone instead of my fiancé and I understand that I was making myself and my needs not a priority by setting aside what I had to do and giving others priority.

I studied psychology and sociology, because I wanted to understand how the mind worked. I wanted to be more educated on mental health. I wanted to know why humans feel what we feel. And I did and I love every moment of it. But I also learned how people can be manipulative and attention-seekers without even trying to. When you are a person who cares too much, you sometimes are blinded of manipulation and attention-seeking tactics and instead you make excuses for them, like "they don't have anyone else, so I should be there" or "I feel like a bad person, even though they didn't do X, Y, and Z for me, I should still be there".

I struggled for this for years, sometimes I could tell a person who didn't "serve" me in my life bye and never see them again, other times I prolonged the process by keep giving a person chances. But at this moment in my life, I'm completely done with the toxicity and negatively of people. And if I only have a few people in my "tribe" by the end of this process that I'm making, I'm perfectly fine by that because QUALITY OVER QUANTITY always. This year, I want feel like I'm surrounded with openness, support, and understanding because when I'm in the "real world", I already get enough of the other stuff, the yucky stuff. If I support you, and you support me, HELL YEAH I'm going to be the best supporter I can for you and hype you up like no other because I expect the same in return. And like I have been preaching, loving yourself is the most important thing ever. You are the first priority. If someone is taking you for granted in whatever way, remember that it's okay to take a step back from that situation and you shouldn't feel guilty because everyone is responsible for themselves.

#bossmode

Thank you for reading!

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XO Ashley