Is Vulnerability A Strength Or A Weakness?

The definition of vulnerability, according to Google, is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. This to me, means that you either are in a situation where you have no option other than to be vulnerable OR you are in a situation where you can choose to be vulnerable or not and the option to pick scares the shit out of you.

So is having vulnerability a strength or a weakness? I think it's both. I believe vulnerability is having the strength or courage to show your weaknesses. There are many different situations where vulnerability can come up.

I have personal assistants/caregivers every day helping me with daily tasks such as showering, feeding, and dressing. There's no way I can hide my imperfections from them. They see me naked, literally. I don't know how vulnerable I can get from there. At the beginning, it used to suck so much because I wasn't at the point where I was comfortable with my own self, let alone having strangers come into my life and see me at my most vulnerable state. Before I hired caregivers, my mom was my main caregiver and with her I didn't have to worry about anything. I could sing in the shower, just relax while I was being bathed, and overall I didn't have to be self-conscious about my every move. Now I have to be more self-conscious about everything and pray that I don't embarrassed myself in some way or another. I now do have more self-confidence and self-love for myself, which has helped me embraced my vulnerability, positively. But that doesn't negate the fact that I need to let my caregivers into my personal space whether I like it or not. Don't get me wrong, my caregivers are the best thing that has happened to me. They help me be more independent overall and I couldn't be more grateful for them. They have seen me on my best days and worst days. But now I CHOOSE to own it. I choose to say yes this is me, it's sometimes not pretty but here I am. That's where I believe vulnerability is a strength.

Another instance, is being vulnerable with your significant other. I believe choosing to be vulnerable in this situation can be terrifying but nonetheless the most rewarding. Being able to open up and say here are my flaws, love me or love me not, is one of the most courageous things a person can do. Now of course, they can use these flaws against you, that's the risk you have to decide to take. Which I believe it's the bravest thing you can do as a human. Nowadays, people put up the highest of walls with the thickest of bricks and create media profiles of who they want to be, putting up a filter on their life to protect themselves, protect their hearts and pretend that they have their life together. But let's be serious, nobody has their life together, we all have our struggles. So to me, being able to let your guard down and let someone else see who you really are, see your raw soul. That's the realest thing on earth to me. If I wanted to be in a romantic relationship, there wouldn't be a way for me to get out from having to be vulnerable. I had to risk it. I had to decide what I wanted and what was going to make me the happiest. Now my fiancé knows practically every flaw/insecurity I have, I have gotten lucky and he hasn't used that insecurities against me. Instead he embraced them and because of that he has helped me stop being so harsh with myself. But I'm aware that not everyone has that luck and because they let their insecurities be known, their partner, friend, family member, etc., have hurt them. I have been there more than once and it hurts like hell. It makes you never want to open up to anyone ever again because you would rather protect yourself than having to deal with the pain all over again. For me, "what ifs" scares me. Like the saying goes, I would rather live my life filled with 'oh wells' than 'what ifs' because due to my disability I have already miss out on a lot, I don't want to miss out on more. That's why I define myself as a risk-taker because I know I can get hurt and it'd suck but what if it ended up being a great experience. Even if I were to get hurt, I would know myself enough to believe that the pain wouldn't last forever and someday I would be okay again.

I got this tattoo on my back when I was 16 years old,"Courage over Fear" and the symbol of the cross as a reminder for myself that as long as I had couarge and faith, not even my fears can put me down.

Along with caregivers and my significant other, I have to, at times, be vulnerable with my friends too. But the kind of vulnerable I'm talking about is not the kind, where you tell your friends your deepest secrets, even though yes, that is an important state of vulnerability. The kind I'm talking about is having my friends help me go to the bathroom or when we go out to eat, having them help feed me. My friends are awesome, they don't mind helping me and probably think of it as the norm by now. But for me, I do have to let myself be vulnerable each time because I am a 21 year old young lady, who loves to follow the latest tend, who likes to take care of herself and be dressing cute but to the average stranger, all they see is a disabled girl being helped by really good friends and they praised the really good friends meanwhile my friends are just being friends as I am being friends with them.

Another instance, specifically aimed towards the disabled community, is that we force to be vulnerable most of the time that we are in public. It can be scary sometimes to be in a situation alone and disabled. I'm lacking a defense mechanism which most of the population has, which is speech and the ability to run, that would help me get myself out of an unsafe situation and get to safely and prepare myself for things coming ahead. When I'm alone in public, I'm always thinking of situations that could happened in the moment and how I would get out of them or try to at least. I'm always trying to think one step ahead, even if on the outside I look chill and nonchalant. I read a study the other day, and it stated that 90% of disabled women get sexually assaulted, raped, or violated in some way violently. I wish this wasn't true and I wish I could say this statistic shocked me but it did not. It sad to say that this is always on the back of my head when I'm out and about because I already have enough to deal with but it's the reality. And this is another situation of having to be vulnerable because I like to go out and have a good time with my friends but adding the fact that I'm disabled to the mix, I have to put a lot of trust to my friends that they will have to keep an eye out for me but also, I have to be aware of my surroundings even more than the able-bodied woman. Even so, I will always be up to a night out with friends because I refused to live in fear. I want to live life as freely and authentically as possible. I know that my life is not going to be always comfortable, I will have be out of my element more than I would like but that to me isn't consider weakness, to me it shows strength to have the ability of showing courage instead of fear. Vulnerability exist for a reason, it is for you to take precautions in different kinds of situations but in my opinion, it does not exist for you to feel less powerful but rather as a form to embrace your insecurities and have the courage to dominate your powerfulness as a human.

**I did mention in the paragraph a little about sexual abuse and if you or someone you know wants help or someone to talk to professionally, please contact The National Sexual Assault Hotline Call 800-656-4673. Staff is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You will hear a recording that asks whether you prefer English or Spanish and whether you want to talk to a hotline staff member.**

THANKS FOR READING!

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XO Ashley