I'm Allowed To Feel Sad

Hello Beautiful People!

All my life, I have had family, friends, and even strangers tell me things like "stay strong", "you're so brave", "you're so strong", "you got this", "keep on going", "you're doing so awesome", "never give up, always move forward", which are very kind words to say when I need some motivation or a "pick me up" from time to time. But then other times, these words are just not appropriate and can be annoying.

You see, I have accept the fact, that there's no cure for my disability. I have accepted the fact that this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I have accepted all the pros and cons that comes with my disability. I have prayed and become at peace with my disability. I'm not in denial and I'm not wishing on any shooting stars. This world isn't made for a person like me, literally and I have accepted that I will need to adapt to almost every situation. I have accepted that I will come across ignorant and uneducated people who will never learn how to see me, the way that I see myself. I have accepted that some people will feel the need to exercise their beliefs and will feel the need to come over to tell me "I'm an angel sent from heaven", or feel the need to pray over me so that I can "get healed". My parents taught me to be a nice human being, so I let these people do their thing sometimes and I just smile at them while thinking that they actually made me feel bad about myself because if these people of faith, don't see me as a "perfect creature" then who does. Other times, I simply and kindly reject them to come near me and tell them that I already know that God is taking care of me in His own way. I find it amusing that because I'm different that somehow makes me special in the eyes of people of faith, when in truly I'm just like everyone. I can't make miracles happen, but I can make people smile but can't anyone do that? I know I'm special, amazing, a fighter, strong not because of my disability but as a result of my disability.

With all of these things, and probably more, it can become tiring and even exhausting having to put on this strong and happy face ALL the time. I am a very positive disabled individual but it is not my duty to be positive all the time because that's impossible but I don't believe able-bodied individuals fully understand that concept. I understand that people want to see me happy and lift my spirits when I'm not, that is really kind and I appreciate it but on the other hand, it can be a bit frustrating when they are not disabled but still trying to relate to me. There is absolutely no way an able-bodied person can relate to me fully. Sure, we all have struggles and we all have good and bad days and by no means, am I saying that my struggles are worse than yours because your struggles are your struggles but I'm just saying that my struggles are so different from yours that it is hard to understand.

There are times where I have just woken up and I see my wheelchair waiting for me and I just say fuck you to my wheelchair but still get in it anyway because well I have no other opinion. There are times where my wheelchair breaks out of no way, leaving me immobile and very frustrated that for a spilt second I think about how easy it would be to be able-bodied. There are times where my fiancé and I are laying in bed, and I just begin to cry because as much as I am living a beautiful, blessed life being labeled as disabled and incapable by society no matter how much I tried to prove otherwise is hard and energy-draining. And blessed my fiancé for knowing that if I cry it's not because I'm weak but that I have been strong for too long and I need to release my emotions and just be held. There have been times when I encountered a mean, ignorant person who just said things that have a special place to get my feelings hurt and I just need to be alone to make myself feel empowered again.

So yes, I am allowed to feel sad. I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to be mad. Just because I have accepted my disability and learned how to love myself, doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have bad days of just being sad and annoyed. I even welcome these kinds of days, because it is a type of way that I can "reset" myself. I can't be a badass everyday, sometimes I'm just half a badass and that's okay. It is okay to not be okay all the time. But here's the thing, I know myself pretty well, I know that most of the time when I'm feeling sad, it just that, sadness. I know of individuals with disabilities who have dealt with depression and have seek professional help. I have been on a thin line between sadness and depression and seek helped but I have never been "diagnosed" with depression so all that I have stated in this blog is related to just sadness, a common emotion. For me, I can have 1-4 days (not consecutively) of just being sad per month or none. It all just depends, just like everyone else. I know myself enough, to know that tomorrow will be a new day and I will be a badass then. I know myself enough, to know that what I'm feeling will not last forever. I know that this is just how life works, how MY life works and it is okay. It is okay for me not to be positive all the time and it is okay for me to breakdown once in a while, because as much as my life is rewarding, it is also difficult. It does not mean that I hate my life and I wish it would change, it just my way of handling life's not-so precious moments.

I believe EVERYONE can benefit in knowing that it's okay not to be strong all the time and being sad does not interpret into weakness. If we have being strong for so long, it understandable to get tired and just have a good cry or whatever it is you do to be able to tell yourself that tomorrow you will continue to be a badass- just not today.

"I'm not broken, I'm beautiful. I am different, not less. I am challenged, not challenging. I'm not a burden, I'm blessed. Cerebral Palsy is not a choice but acceptance is."

Thank you for reading!

Feel free to leave questions and comments down below or on my Facebook page! And if you want me to talk about specific let me know too!

XO Ashley