I Forget That I'm Disabled Until...

Hello Pretty-Smiling People!

For as long as I can remember, I have surrounded myself with good people, good environments, and overall good vibes. Being disabled has helped me see through people and their true intentions. If I feel like someone is just in my life out of pity- then BYE. If I feel like someone is in my life just to make themselves feel good, first of all, WTF? Secondly BYEEE. I'm happy and blessed to say that I have a positive, great life. I live a very "normal" life of a twenty-two year old young woman. The reason why I get to live a very "normal" life is because of my friends, my family, my physical status and especially my mental status. The reason I say my mental status is because I believe that its crucial for me. If my mind is not healthy then I may start to lack interest in maintaining my strong physical body and then I may lack interest in seeing my friends and family because I just feel not my best. Mind over matter, always. I've created a life for myself that makes me simply happy -- most of the time. Why I say most of the time is really no secret, sometimes you have bad days where you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel even though it's there. I have been through pretty bad times and experiences that has made me a hell of a lot stronger but that doesn't mean that I can always shrugged bad experiences off like its no biggie, especially when it's related to me being disabled and in a wheelchair. My parents always taught me and made sure it never left my brain that I can do whatever I set my mind too, no matter what. My family always have treated me like a regular member of the family and have never been ashamed of me to called me their niece/cousin/sister. Living with my fiancé has brought me an immense wave of "normalness" because my disability hasn't been a topic discussed on the daily. He just knows that this is how I am and that's it really. My friends just treat me just a regular girl who just wants to enjoy her twenties and I couldn't ask for more. But every once in a while when I'm in the real world and not in my bubble, people can be plain out MEAN or society has stupid, unjust "rules" that able-bodied people don't notice because they don't have deal with them unlike me and individuals with disabilities who deal with them on the regular basis. I'm going to talk about the 4 things that makes me realized I'm disabled AF and this world is just not made for me and others like me. Before I begin, I want to say firstly that these how my personal things that aggravates me as a person with a disability and I'm not speaking on behave of others. Secondly, I want to be clear that my intention of this blog is not because I'm denial of having a disability or any of my loved ones are in denial either and wish for a miracle to happen. No, myself and others in my life just see me first and then my wheelchair and disability versus society just sees my disability and doesn't even try to see me.

1. The Stares.

Now, I'm not talking about regular stares that people do when I'm out and about just because they are surprised that they are seeing a person with a disability doing what they are doing, no those stares I'm used to and hardly notice them anymore. I'm talking about people who stare and will not stop staring like as if I'm an alien. Which then in turn, they do make me feel like an alien as if I don't belong where they are. As if I belong at home because who am I kidding I am a disabled girl after all and that won't ever change. Most of the time, luckily, I am in a confident state where I can ignore the stares the best that I can and just go on having a good time. But when they do get to me and even though I don't let it get to me in the moment, I start overthinking about it when I'm by myself and it's sometimes difficult to convince myself that those people are just ignorant as hell.

2. People Talking To The Person Next To Me As If I'm Incompetent.

I can't tell you how many times this has happen to me and it's very annoying. I would be with a friend or family member and random stranger would come up to us and start having a conversation about me with whoever I'm with. Even though the person I'm with, tries to drag me into the conversation by asking me questions or by just having eye contact with me, the random stranger still thinks I can't understand what they are talking about which makes absolutely no sense to me. But these situations, just make me questioned if I really do look incompetent to society. I feel belittled. I know I don't but when these kind of situations happened, it makes me questioned a whole lot. In the end, I realized that people need to be educated more and I need to educate them which I don't mind but it can get tiring trying to explain to an uneducated person why I am "normal".

3. When Places Aren't Accessible.

Whether I'm with friends, family, or my fiancé and we find out that a place is not wheelchair accessible, it just makes me feel like a burden in a way because if it wasn't for me, everyone else would be able to enjoy the place. No one has ever intentionally made me feel like a burden and ultimately it isn't my fault either, rather businesses who aren't complying with ADA laws fully. But still it makes me feel bad because if I wasn't disabled it would be a whole different story. Also, when this happens I feel limited and I start to wonder if I can't do this then how am I supposed to do anything else. But when I reset my mentality, I know that I cannot compare two unrelated items such as if I can't go in a bar that doesn't mean I can't travel the world (I know these are extreme opposites but you get my point). Also, it is just frustrating to not be able to go into a place or do an activity just because it's not adapted for me but it is for everyone else. It takes the feeling of "feeling left out" to a whole another level.

4. When People Make Mean Comments.

Usually, people are nice and helpful to me but every once in a while I come across people who are just rude. I have two examples. First was when I was waiting for a table to be available at this very small local restaurant/bar with my friend. I was in my wheelchair by the front of the door unable to move anywhere else and this old lady on her way out said to me that I was in the way of the walkway (I wasn't and space was very limited) and that I needed to be more considerate of other people passing. I was in complete shock because how was I supposed to respond to that, "uh sorry my wheelchair takes up space?" like no. I let that one be because she wasn't worth my breath to educate her. Second example was when I was on the CTA bus. The bus was packed with people and two wheelchair which was the limit. When I got on, I noticed that I was a little close to the walkway but I didn't move because I was getting off at the next stop. I arrived at my stop and people usually wait until the bus driver lowers the ramp and I get off. Well, this group of people, particularly including a large man, were eager to get on the bus and made me wait, that's fine. But a woman behind me noticed that the large man was struggling a bit to get through the wheelchairs and noticed that I was a little bit more towards the center of the walkway so she pretty much demanded that I moved. I get very defensive when people tell me how to move when I'm in my wheelchair because I don't tell people how to move their legs. In responding to her, I simply said you don't get to tell me if I need to move, I have eyes and I'm getting off here anyways. The large man looked at me and said that I wasn't in his way, that he just had too much stuff with him and the woman apologized.

Even with all this said, I don't wish I wasn't disabled because I believed I'm like this for a reason. Plus, it is pretty cool seeing the world through different lens. I'm happy with how my life is and I'm happy with myself and to me, that is all that matters.

Me just expressing joy after a really fun time

Be kind to one another! Thanks for reading!

Feel free to leave questions and comments down below or on my Facebook page! And if you want me to talk about specific let me know too!

XO Ashley