Don't Worry, You Got It

Hello my beautiful people!

Let me start off by saying that I can't believe we are already in December... like how? As I try to remember all I did this year, I try to think if I actually did my New Year's resolutions and to be honest, I'm not sure. Like most people, we create all these New Year's resolutions and then forget about them come February because well, life gets in the way. But I think I did do a good job on my resolutions, whatever they were, because I'm simply happier with my life than a year ago. Now does that mean I have it all figure out- hell no. I may not be drinking a gallon of water a day but I'm drinking more than I was, I may not be making bank but I love what I'm doing, I may have not travel everywhere I wanted but nonetheless, I still made beautiful memories. It's all about looking at the postives in life.

You see I am a very emotional person. I cry when I'm happy, sad, angry, and everything in between. I used to feel a lot of shame in that because I use to think that crying is for the weak and I been through so much that I know I'm not weak, so I thought why am I letting crying get the best of me. But now I have accepted that it's just who I am and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. I'm still a strong ass woman. I swear this is not bullshit, but like I mentioned in a previous blog, my speech impairment plays a huge part in this because while a person who is talking as the speed of lighting, arguing with me and I can barely speak 3 words clearly before my words become gibberish, that's when I become frustrated and cry as a result. But I think I'm becoming better at either holding in my emotions and letting them out when I'm alone or I just fuck my speech impairment and say all that I want to say, not caring if the other person understands what I'm saying or not.

This year I became more selfish, but in a good way. I finally put my self-care as a priority and it feels amazing. It's true that once you figure out what you truly deserve, you won't accept nothing less. Some people don't know how to handle that and will try to guilt you into thinking that you are worthy enough for the high standards that you think you deserve, but honey please don't listen to them. This year I became more active on social media platforms trying to advocate that individuals with disabilities are no different than the rest of society. But with that came people who did not understand what I was advocating and others were simply haters and I had to confront them in a respectful way even though they weren't respectful to me and it's tough. This year I still dealt with ignorant people and them trying to make me feel less than. But I'm very proud at how in some incidents, I actually spoke up and not just nudging it off my shoulder. In other incidents, I'm proud that those people didn't have an affect on me anymore. I can just say "meh" and move on about my day.

But what happens when I have a shitty day?

Well I can't sing it out or cry it out in the shower because that would be weird with my personal assistant being there. I can't drive with the music up with no destination because well I can't drive. So when I'm fed up of the world, when I'm alone I like to turn up my music all the way up and just DANCE my pretty little heart out. I feel like that helps me relax and release some of the stress I'm feeling. It is the best and I feel like music can help with everything. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that no one knows about this, not even my fiancé until now hehe. Give it a try! Also, I like to put on a face mask to feel all boujee and after I feel like a QUEEN again. Another thing I like to do is think about my future and where I want to be in life and how my shitty feelings right now are although valid, they're not going to benefit me in a positive way later on so how am I able to channel these feelings in a more constructive way. Another thing I like is taking random pictures of the landscape I'm surrounded with, to help me remember that although things are bad for me at the moment, it doesn't mean that everything around me is bad. And ironically, I like to write blogs when I need to "let it out" because I believe that if I'm feeling like this at a moment in time, then another person has felt or is feeling like this too and they might benefit from it.

I really don't know how to say this, but I honestly don't realize how hard I have it until someone points it out or praises my hard work. And I don't mean that as in "oh I'm the shit", no no no it's just when you been taught from a young age to work hard and to never give up no matter what, that's all you do, nonstop. Sometimes it does hit me when I first wake up from a good sleep and I'm excited for the day and then I see my wheelchair waiting for me at my side of the bed, and I'm just like fuck you, my life would be so much more simpler and easier if I didn't have this big mechanical contraption, but then I snapped myself out of that darkness even though I know it is valid for me to feel like that for a couple of minutes or so, I tell myself that if I wasn't disabled, I wouldn't have my life as it is now and I love my life. Now I'm getting better at paying attention to my body and knowing when to slow down. So when someone pisses me off or when I'm just having a shitty day, I do acknowledge it and decide if I want to act on it but other than that, I try to brush it off because today is the first day of the rest of my life and I want the rest of my life to be happy.

So whether you remember your New Year's resolutions or not, whether you successfully achieve them or not, I don't think it truly matters unless your happier and loving yourself more than the last year. Don't get me wrong, we are at a constant state of improvement, and sometimes we take two steps back instead of two steps forward and I don't think that means that you are failing, I think it means you are living because life ain't nothing but a roller coaster. I think it's good that you embrace the shitty days because that way you can embrace the good days ten times more. And if you are having a shitty day, turn on the music or put that boujee face mask on and let yourself feel all the crappy emotions but also know in your mind that tomorrow is a new day and you will try again because momma didn't raise no quitter.

Thanks for reading!

If you have any questions or comments, write them down below or on my fb page!

XO Ashley