An Open Letter To My Father in Heaven On His Birthday And Father's Day

I don't know whether to be "glad" to be 'killing two birds with one stone', since today is your birthday and Father's Day or just be extra down/sad.

If I would to have the miracle opportunity to see and talk to you again, I would tell you everything that I was too emotional to say aloud to you because I could feel myself getting choked up, when the thought of not having you with us even came to my mind.

The last time I saw you, was the best time ever. It was you, me, and mom in the hospital room, just like old times before all the crap happened but instead of home, we were constrained to four walls and outside were nurses ready for anything to happened. I was near the hospital bed, holding your hand and mom was sitting in a chair against the wall. You were in the hospital for a while now but that didn't change how my heart would skip a beat when a machine, you were hooked on, started beeping continuously but it seemed like a normal thing by then. I wish I knew that, that was that was the last time I was going to hear your laugh, the last time I would see your eyes, the last time I was going to hear your voice, and the last time that I would squeezed your hand, and you would squeeze mine right back.

You started to ask me about college, jobs, and my boyfriend (now fiancé). It took me by surprise that you were asking about my boyfriend wholeheartedly, for what seemed like the first time even though we had been already dating for a couple of months. You asked if we were serious, if I love him, where did he work, if he was ambitious, and if he came from a good family. In the moment, I answered your questions without giving much thought as to WHY you were asking them in the first place. I was just happy you were asking me and that my parents were able to listen to me and give me their advice while agreeing with each other (something that didn't happen often). It is until now, that I realized that you wanted to make sure I was okay before you left us.

While you feeling like complete shit, you still put my needs and safety first. If that's not fatherly love, I don't know what is. I believe that moment I had with you and mom alone has helped me deal with you not being here with us anymore.

I know that you are still with me everyday and you watch over me and the family but that doesn't mean that I don't fall apart sometimes because missing you becomes too difficult to handle. It doesn't mean that I'm okay when I see people's posts on Facebook or Instagram praising their fathers and being a bit jealous that people still have their fathers. It's doesn't mean that I don't want to snap at people who tell me not to be sad because my dad wouldn't like it. I still get angry, confused, and most of all upset as to why you were taken away from me when I was only 20 years old, just barely starting to figure out life. After all the shit I have been through, I didn't know why the universe decided to take you home also. It's wasn't fair and still isn't. There's no manual on how to lose a parent and live your life at any age but especially at such a young age, where I want to ask you a million questions but it's impossible now.

It's ironic to say that I miss you more on my happy days than on my shitty days. Nobody told me that the pain hits you right when I thought I suppressed the feeling of heartbrokenness and emptiness, right when I am out at a bar, or sitting in the living room on a weekday, watching TV. I've realized that the pain of losing you will never go away, it just becomes easier to bare and easier to disguise. I've realized that mostly everyone will forget that this tragic thing happened, I don't hold it against them because I've learned to handle the pain on my own. And if there's one I've learned, it's from you, is that who gives a shit what anyone thinks. You were the most stubborn person I know, hence why I'm stubborn. You literally did whatever you wanted and man, I admired this the most because it made me want to be brave and take risks. But you were and still are a responsible, honorable family man who knew how to take care of his family no matter what. This made me what to be a respectable but boss ass lady who can manage anything, and dad I'm doing it. I only learned from the best!

So even though, you were not here when I graduated, when I got proposed to, and still not going to be here when I get married to walked me down the aisle, have 'beer talk' with my fiancé, hold your grandchildren and watch them grow, or see how crazy our family still is, I know that I will hold your love in my heart forever and that makes me smile. We have been through a lot together but if it wasn't for your care and guidance, I wouldn't be who I am today. So thank you for deciding and going on the biggest roller coaster of your life with me, because I know that raising a disabled child wasn't easy. I know you and mom made huge suffices for me. And I know that most people don't realize that. So, I hope I'm making you proud because I'm very proud of you being my dad.

This was taken on my 18th Birthday Dinner

This was taken today, 6/16/2019.

Wishing you a very happy heavenly birthday and happy father's day, old man!

Always missing you.

XO Ashley